Vacations, Boundaries and Truth Telling … A Thread
What is it about taking a vacation that leads a person to release years of emotional blockage?
I am a workaholic that has marveled at other people being able to take a vacation. Being able to get away and not being focused on work or home seemed like a great luxury only afforded to the lucky few. Whenever I took time away, rarely was it for me, it was either family- or work-related. In fact, in my previous position, when I did travel, it was normally for the latter. Now that I have been in my current role for a year, for the first time in my career of 15 years, I have taken a few trips where the focus was on my being selfish for me. The experiences have been eye-opening.
I have always felt like I was an outgoing person and able to strike up conversation with people if I could find a common thread to talk about. My first “doing me” trip took place with my friends to Las Vegas. I’d been to Vegas before but the experience left me wanting. This time around, I just knew that I could see this trip as the redeeming trip to Vegas. I came away with two different points of view.
I loved that I was attending an event where being a black woman was over represented and the melanin and confidence were permeating the atmosphere. There were a lot of high fives and compliments being handed out like candy for the entire time we were there. It was intoxicating! I also was feeling my age where being younger than 43 was placed at a higher value where the men my age were concerned. It also meant that I turned into an auntie when some young guy got out of pocket. It felt weird to want to have fun and also be very protective of the young women all around me. My friends that I went to Vegas with were on the opposite side of the spectrum and thoroughly enjoyed themselves. They made connections, flirted, and leaned into the experience. It dawned on me that I may have enjoyed myself more if I was ten years younger. At that point, I understood for the first time how necessary it is to test your boundaries and be clear to speak up when something is not what you thought it would be. We all had meaningful conversations with one another, questioned our own limits and why we had them, and sought to push past what made us feel uncomfortable. Not in an intimidating kind of way, but to know when enough was truly enough. It was my own litmus test of how much growth and change I had endured in the past few years.
A week after Vegas, I traveled to Philly with more friends. The vibe was very different and I felt more like myself and in my zone versus when I was in Vegas the week before. Again, we made connections, flirted, and leaned into the experience. We also gave ourselves the chance to make meaning of the time we were together. As professionals, we are always working, this time we didn’t. We are always thinking about what’s next in our line of work and research, for the weekend we didn’t work (mostly). We had meaningful conversations along with discussion about why we didn’t do this earlier and we realized that we prioritized work life over self-care. My own “a-ha” showed up when I counted the experiences I missed because I felt I had to work to the point of exhaustion. Yes, this time I was shedding some layers about myself that no longer fit, but I was still holding on to my own outdated operating system, trying to make it seem as if it was still okay. And then I had a moment of clarity in the Philadelphia Museum of Art.
My friends and I decided to visit the Philadelphia Museum of Art on a Saturday afternoon and essentially get caught up in the exhibits. The museum does a very good job of not shying away from the complexities of history and how the city came to be. In one of the rooms, the Presidential Plate room, I found myself crying after reading the narrative of a gentleman named William, who was born into slavery, served at the behest of President Andrew Johnson, and when he died, he continued to work for the family until he also passed away. I was undone. While wiping my tears and grappling with the lesson I’d learned, an older gentleman, who also served as a museum docent, stopped my friends and I and talked with us about our experiences so far. He then chose at this point to be our tour guide in the museum, asking us questions about our art interests. As we went into other rooms in the building, at that point, he saw something about me that led him to let me know that the best was yet to come in my life.
When a complete stranger tells you about yourself, on the off chance that you were marveling at a Henry O. Tanner painting, you begin to wonder if you’re having a “Touched By An Angel” moment. I couldn’t figure out if there was something about me that said to him “I’m broken, come heal me” or if in that moment he saw himself in me. The more we talked about the painting and life paths, the more he recognized himself in my story. The gentleman began to pray over my life and my heart, and I cried the ugly cry. I felt broken open and I was undone all over again. I left that space feeling lighter and exposed, kind of like the way I did after I was baptized — people saw what I went through and had to let go of, and yet they didn’t quite understand the profoundness of the moment until it had already passed them by. My one girlfriend that was with me when it all happened cried right along with me, the other acknowledged that in that moment I was receiving a gift I didn’t know I needed — the gift of changing the narrative. I sat with that experience all weekend, questioning if it really took place and that the burden I carried was indeed lifted. When we returned back to our home state, it was clear to me that a switch had been flipped and my life would not remain the same.
Weeks later, I found myself in a situation where the truth telling shone a light on my weak spots and challenged my outdated programming. Again, I’ve never had a problem with meeting people, but I’ve often felt that with the opposite sex it never truly felt safe for me. I met a person through a work-related event that had an interesting story to tell regarding their career. I saw value in his experiences and wanted to talk about them further and in these situations, you exchange contact information. But not even 24 hours later, he became creepy and solicited me for sex under the guise of “this is how we will get to know each other better.” I quickly put an end to the connection, it scared me.
When I was younger, there was a high premium of being in a relationship. Had this experience took place back then, I wouldn’t have honored my being uncomfortable because I would have felt it necessary to meet his needs despite not knowing anything about him. I would have set myself up to be hurt and worse. I would have been questioning what happened when I knew the answer. I would have allowed myself to be used, full stop.
Now that I am older and have defined and shored up my boundaries in this area of my life, it was nothing for me to sever those days-old ties. Oh my how I have grown! And now here I am holding myself in high esteem, keeping my newfound boundaries strong and my head held higher. Thanks be to the opportunities that helped me see myself bigger than the box that I found myself in and glad that I have finally blow the box itself to bits.
